When slowing down feels uncomfortable and enough never quite feels like enough
You’ve had a busy week. You’ve done what you needed to do. There’s nothing particularly urgent demanding your attention.
You could just stop for a bit.
Except somehow, that doesn’t feel quite right.
There’s probably something you could be doing.
Something for work. Someone you should reply to. Something you’ve been meaning to sort out. Perhaps you should go for a walk. Make some plans. Be more organised. Finally get around to that thing you said you were going to do three weeks ago.
Even when you’re technically doing nothing, your head can be surprisingly busy reminding you of all the ways you could be using your time better.
There’s often a should lurking somewhere.
There’s always something else
The problem is that there is always more you could do.
You could work a bit harder. Exercise more. See people more often. Be a better friend. Get more organised. Read more. Spend more time with your family. Look after yourself better.
Even looking after yourself can somehow become another job.
And if you’re someone who is used to getting on with things, it can be difficult to recognise when you’ve actually done enough.
You finish one thing and your mind moves straight onto the next.
There’s no real sense of done.
Just a brief gap before the next thing appears.
“I haven’t really done much today”
I hear versions of this quite a lot.
And often, when you actually look at the day, quite a lot has happened.
You’ve worked. Thought about other people. Made decisions. Had conversations. Dealt with things. Driven somewhere. Remembered something somebody needed. Maybe worried about something in the background for half the day.
But because there isn’t much to show for some of that, it doesn’t seem to count.
We can be quite dismissive of the things that take our energy.
Especially the emotional stuff.
A difficult conversation can take more out of you than a busy afternoon.
Worrying is exhausting.
Being around people when you’re already tired takes something.
So does constantly thinking about what everybody else needs from you.
Yet we can get to the end of the day and still think:
I should have done more.
Why is it so hard to stop?
Sometimes being busy simply feels good.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
Getting things done can be satisfying. Work can give us purpose. Plans can give our days some shape.
But sometimes doing becomes more than doing.
Being useful feels good.
Being needed feels good.
Being the person who copes can become part of who you are.
And perhaps slowing down leaves a space you’re not quite sure what to do with.
You might feel guilty.
Restless.
As though everybody else is getting on with life while you’re wasting time.
Or you might notice thoughts and feelings that are easier to ignore when you’re busy.
So you keep going.
Not necessarily because you’ve consciously decided to avoid anything.
It might just be what you’ve always done.
When did doing enough become being enough?
This is where it can get a bit tangled.
A productive day feels like a good day.
A busy week feels satisfying.
Getting things right feels good.
Being reliable, helpful or hardworking feels like something to be proud of.
None of that is a problem in itself.
But what happens on the days when you don’t manage all of that?
Do you feel lazy?
Do you feel guilty?
Do you start telling yourself you need to get a grip?
Do you look at what everybody else seems to be doing and wonder why you can’t manage the same?
Sometimes, without really noticing, what we do becomes tied up with how we feel about who we are.
And then enough becomes very difficult to reach.
Because there will always be someone doing more.
Maybe you don’t need to make the most of everything
There’s a lot of pressure to make good use of our time.
Even things that are supposed to make life better can start to feel like another set of expectations.
We should exercise.
See friends.
Eat well.
Have hobbies.
Get outside.
Keep learning.
Look after our relationships.
Make plans.
Make memories.
Rest properly.
Apparently we’re also supposed to get eight hours’ sleep while doing all of this.
It’s quite a lot.
Perhaps not every weekend needs to be made the most of.
Not every evening needs a purpose.
Not every spare hour needs filling.
And not everything you do has to improve you in some way.
Sometimes you can just be.
What if you’ve done enough?
Not forever.
Just today.
What if you don’t have to squeeze anything else out of yourself?
What if being tired is enough of a reason to stop?
What if you can leave something until tomorrow without spending tonight feeling guilty about it?
And what if the part of you saying you should be doing more is just a familiar voice rather than something you always have to listen to?
Maybe the aim isn’t to suddenly become brilliant at relaxing.
That sounds suspiciously like another thing to achieve.
Maybe it starts much smaller.
Noticing the urge to do more.
And occasionally asking yourself:
Do I actually need to do this?
Or:
Could this be enough for today?
How counselling can help
If you recognise yourself in this, counselling doesn’t need to become another place where you’re given things to work on.
You probably have enough of those already.
It can simply give you some space to notice what happens when you’re not busy, useful, helping, achieving or holding everything together.
Why does stopping feel uncomfortable?
What are you expecting from yourself?
And would you expect the same from somebody you cared about?
Sometimes the difficult bit isn’t learning how to do less.
It’s beginning to believe that doing less doesn’t make you less.
