When you’ve got people around you, but still feel like something is missing
You might have a partner, a family, good friends, people you see regularly.
Your phone isn’t exactly silent. You have conversations, make plans, go to work, meet people for coffee.
From the outside, your life probably doesn’t look particularly lonely.
And yet, sometimes it feels that way.
Not necessarily all the time. You might have a perfectly lovely day with people you care about and still come home feeling a bit flat.
Or find yourself sitting next to someone you’ve known for years, wondering why you feel so far away from them.
It’s a strange feeling, being lonely when you’re not actually alone.
And it can be difficult to explain, even to yourself.
Being around people isn’t quite the same as feeling close to them
You can spend an entire day talking to people without really feeling you’ve connected with anyone.
You talk about work, what’s happening at the weekend, the children, the weather, what somebody said or did.
All perfectly normal conversations.
But perhaps there’s something else going on for you that never quite makes it into any of them.
Maybe you’re worried about something.
Maybe you’re unhappy and can’t really put your finger on why.
Or perhaps you’re just tired of always saying you’re fine.
Sometimes what we’re missing isn’t company.
It’s the feeling that somebody really knows how things are for us.
When you’re the one everyone talks to
Perhaps you’re the person people come to when they’ve got a problem.
You’re a good listener. You remember what’s happening in people’s lives. You check in when you know somebody’s having a difficult time.
And you genuinely care.
But sometimes you might find yourself wondering who does that for you.
Not because the people around you are unkind or don’t care.
They might simply be so used to you being okay, being capable, being the one who listens, that they don’t always think to ask.
And perhaps you’ve become quite good at not needing much from anybody.
You might even feel uncomfortable when someone does ask how you are.
You say you’re fine, change the subject, ask about them instead.
Then later, there’s that familiar feeling that nobody really knows what’s going on with you.
Which is difficult, because perhaps you haven’t really let them.
Sometimes it’s easier to keep things to yourself
There can be lots of reasons we don’t share how we’re feeling.
You might not want to worry anyone.
You might think other people have enough going on.
Perhaps you’ve tried talking about something in the past and felt dismissed, misunderstood or told what you should do.
Or maybe you just don’t know how to explain it.
Sometimes we don’t even know what we’re feeling ourselves, never mind how to put it into words for somebody else.
So we carry on.
We have the conversations. Make the plans. Ask how everyone else is.
And keep the more difficult bits to ourselves.
The trouble is, when people only see the parts of us we’re comfortable showing, we can end up feeling quite alone with everything else.
Feeling lonely in a relationship
This can be particularly painful.
Because surely, if you’ve got somebody who loves you, you shouldn’t feel lonely?
But relationships can become very busy places.
There’s work, family, money, responsibilities, all the ordinary things that need dealing with.
You might get along perfectly well. You might rarely argue. You might still enjoy spending time together.
But somewhere along the way, perhaps you’ve stopped really talking.
Not about what needs doing tomorrow or what you’re having for tea.
About how you actually are.
And sometimes the distance happens so gradually that you don’t really notice it until you realise how much you miss feeling close.
You might even feel guilty for wanting more.
After all, nothing is terribly wrong.
But something doesn’t feel quite right either.
And that matters.
What if I don’t really feel like myself around people?
Sometimes loneliness isn’t so much about the people around us.
It’s about how much of ourselves we feel able to bring into those relationships.
Perhaps you’re always the cheerful one.
The sensible one.
The person who doesn’t make a fuss.
Maybe you find yourself agreeing with things you don’t really agree with, laughing when you don’t find something funny, or keeping quiet because you don’t want to make things awkward.
Not necessarily in any dramatic way.
Just little moments where you put a bit of yourself to one side.
And after a while, you might start to wonder whether people like you for who you really are, or for the version of you they’re used to.
It’s difficult to feel genuinely close to someone when you’re not sure you can be completely yourself with them.
Wanting more connection doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful
I think this is important.
You can love your family and still feel lonely.
You can have wonderful friends and still wish somebody understood you a little better.
You can be grateful for your relationship and still miss something within it.
Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.
And feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’re being unreasonable, needy or expecting too much.
Perhaps it’s simply telling you that something matters to you.
That you’d like to feel heard.
Understood.
Known.
Not by everybody. Not all the time.
Just somewhere, with someone, where you don’t feel you have to explain, perform or pretend quite so much.
Maybe it’s worth noticing what’s missing
When we feel lonely, it’s tempting to think the answer must be more people, more plans, more things to do.
And sometimes that really does help.
But sometimes it’s worth asking a slightly different question.
What is it I’m actually missing?
Is it having someone to talk to?
Someone who asks how you are and really wants to know?
Being able to say something difficult without worrying about how it will be received?
Feeling wanted, rather than simply needed?
Or perhaps having the freedom to be yourself without wondering whether that’s okay.
You might not have an immediate answer.
That’s okay too.
Sometimes we’ve spent so long getting on with life that we haven’t really stopped to consider what we need from the people around us.
How counselling can help
Counselling can offer something that isn’t always easy to find in everyday life.
A space where the conversation really is about you.
Where you don’t have to worry about being too much, upsetting somebody, or making sure the other person is okay.
You don’t need to have worked out what’s wrong before you come.
You might just know that something feels missing, or that you’re surrounded by people but don’t feel particularly connected to anyone.
We can take some time to understand what that feels like for you, what you might be longing for, and perhaps what makes it difficult to let other people see more of you.
Because sometimes loneliness isn’t about having nobody there.
It’s about wishing somebody could really see you.
