When other people aren’t okay, why does it feel like it’s your job to make things better?

Someone is quieter than usual and you notice immediately.

Your partner seems a bit off. A friend takes longer than usual to reply. Someone at work sounds slightly irritated. You make a decision that somebody else isn’t completely happy with.

And suddenly, you’re not quite okay either.

You start wondering what’s wrong.

Have I upset them?

Did I say something?

Are they annoyed with me?

Should I message?

Should I explain myself?

Do I need to make this better?

Even when you know, logically, that other people are allowed to have moods, bad days and feelings that have absolutely nothing to do with you, it can be surprisingly difficult to leave them alone.

You can find yourself feeling responsible for making things okay again.

When someone else’s mood changes yours

There’s nothing wrong with noticing how other people feel. In fact, being thoughtful and aware of others is a lovely quality.

But there’s a difference between noticing someone’s feelings and feeling responsible for them.

If you’re used to keeping an eye on how everyone around you is doing, somebody else being unhappy can feel incredibly uncomfortable.

You might try to cheer them up.

You might become extra helpful.

You might apologise, even though you’re not entirely sure what you’re apologising for.

You might replay conversations in your head looking for the moment where you got something wrong.

Or you might ask “Are you okay?” several times, despite being told that everything is fine.

It can feel almost impossible to settle until you know the other person is okay with you.

“Are you sure you’re not annoyed with me?”

Sometimes what we’re looking for isn’t really reassurance that the other person is okay.

We’re looking for reassurance that you are okay with them.

There’s quite a difference.

Because if someone is unhappy, disappointed or distant, it can quickly become something much bigger:

Maybe I’ve done something wrong.

Maybe they think badly of me.

Maybe I’ve let them down.

Maybe this means something about our relationship.

That can make even fairly ordinary moments feel loaded.

A short reply to a message isn’t just a short reply anymore. It becomes something to analyse.

Someone wanting a bit of space can feel like rejection.

A disagreement can feel as though the whole relationship is suddenly on shaky ground.

And somebody being disappointed in you can feel almost unbearable.

How did I end up feeling like this?

Usually, you didn’t sit down one day and decide to take responsibility for everybody.

It’s often something that develops quietly.

Perhaps you grew up around people whose moods affected the whole house.

Maybe you became good at noticing the signs that somebody was stressed, angry, upset or withdrawing.

Perhaps being easy, helpful or well behaved made things run a little more smoothly.

Or maybe you learned that being liked, useful or needed helped you feel secure in your relationships.

You may not even recognise any obvious reason for it.

Sometimes we simply become very used to paying attention to other people and much less used to asking ourselves:

What do I feel? What do I need? What do I actually want here?

After a while, looking after everybody else can feel so normal that you barely notice you’re doing it.

Caring about someone isn’t the same as being responsible for them

This is the difficult bit.

You can care that someone is upset without having to make them happy.

You can understand why somebody is disappointed and still make the decision that disappoints them.

You can love someone and not agree with them.

You can say no and let the other person wish you had said yes.

And sometimes someone can be annoyed with you without it meaning you have done anything wrong.

That last one can be particularly hard to get your head around.

We tend to imagine that if we could just explain ourselves properly enough, be kind enough, thoughtful enough or reasonable enough, nobody would ever be upset with us.

Unfortunately, relationships don’t work like that.

Two perfectly decent people can want different things.

Sometimes your needs will inconvenience somebody else.

Sometimes somebody will misunderstand you.

Sometimes you’ll get things wrong.

And sometimes another person will simply be in a bad mood.

None of those things automatically mean there is something you need to fix.

What happens if I don’t make it better?

This can be an interesting question to sit with.

Not necessarily “How do I stop caring what people think?”

Most of us do care what the people we love think, and there’s nothing particularly wrong with that.

A more useful question might be:

What feels so uncomfortable about letting someone have their feelings?

If someone is disappointed in you, what happens inside you?

If your partner is quiet, how quickly do you start wondering what you’ve done?

If someone says they’re fine but doesn’t seem fine, can you believe them and leave the responsibility with them?

If somebody is unhappy with a decision you’ve made, can you still believe it was the right decision for you?

That space between noticing somebody else’s feelings and rushing to do something about them can tell us quite a lot.

You don’t have to become someone who doesn’t care

This isn’t about becoming harder, less thoughtful or less loving.

It’s about recognising that the people around you are allowed to have their own emotional lives.

And so are you.

You don’t always have to smooth things over.

You don’t always have to explain.

You don’t have to make everybody comfortable before you’re allowed to feel comfortable yourself.

And perhaps, over time, somebody else being unhappy doesn’t have to immediately mean:

I’ve done something wrong.

It might simply mean:

They’re having a feeling.

And you can care about that without having to make it disappear.

How counselling can help

If you spend a lot of time worrying about other people’s feelings, counselling can give you somewhere to start noticing this without judging yourself for it.

We might look at what happens when somebody seems unhappy with you, why that feels so difficult, and how quickly you find yourself taking responsibility for making things better.

Often, it’s not really about learning how to care less.

It’s about becoming a little more able to stay with yourself when somebody else isn’t okay.

And discovering that your relationships may be able to cope with far more than you think they can.