When doing everything yourself feels easier than letting someone help

You’re struggling with something.

Maybe you’ve got too much on at work. Perhaps something’s worrying you, or life just feels a bit much at the moment.

Someone asks if you need a hand.

“No, I’m fine, thanks.”

Except you’re not really fine.

You could do with some help. You know that. But the thought of actually asking for it, or even accepting it when it’s offered, feels strangely uncomfortable.

So you carry on.

You tell yourself it’s easier to do it yourself. You don’t want to bother anyone. They’ve probably got enough going on.

And besides, you’ve always managed before.

“I don’t want to be a burden”

This is something I hear quite often.

People who would happily spend hours helping somebody else can feel terribly uncomfortable asking for even the smallest thing themselves.

You might worry that you’re putting someone out.

That they’ll feel obliged to say yes.

That they’ll secretly be annoyed, even if they seem perfectly happy to help.

Sometimes it feels easier to struggle on than risk somebody thinking you’re demanding or needy.

And even when someone offers, you might find yourself saying, “Are you sure?” about six times.

As though you need to give them every possible opportunity to change their mind.

It’s interesting how easily we can believe that other people deserve our time and kindness, while feeling we have to justify needing any of theirs.

When being independent becomes something you have to be

There’s nothing wrong with being independent.

It’s good to know you can manage things yourself.

But sometimes independence stops feeling like a choice.

You might be the person who’s always coped. The one who sorts things out, finds solutions and gets on with whatever needs doing.

Perhaps you’ve been that person for so long that you can’t really imagine being any other way.

People might even admire you for it.

“You’re so strong.”

“I don’t know how you manage everything.”

“You always seem to have it together.”

And although those things are usually meant kindly, they can make it even harder to admit when you’re not coping.

Because what happens if you’re not the strong one for a change?

What happens if you don’t know what to do?

Or if you just don’t want to manage everything on your own anymore?

Maybe asking hasn’t always worked out

Sometimes there’s a reason asking for help feels difficult.

Perhaps you’ve asked before and been let down.

Maybe somebody made you feel foolish for needing something, or reminded you afterwards of everything they’d done for you.

Perhaps you grew up in a family where you were expected to get on with things, where problems weren’t really talked about, or where asking for help didn’t necessarily mean you’d get it.

You might have learned that relying on yourself was simply the safest or least disappointing option.

And that can stay with you.

Even when the people around you now are kind, willing and perfectly capable of helping.

Part of you might still think:

It’s better not to need anyone.

What if they say no?

This can be another difficult bit.

Because asking means giving somebody the opportunity to say no.

And depending on how you feel about yourself, that no might be quite hard to hear.

You might take it personally.

Feel embarrassed for having asked.

Wish you’d just kept quiet.

Even when you know the other person might simply be busy, tired or unable to help.

Sometimes it’s not the practical help we’re worried about.

It’s what asking might mean about us, or what somebody’s response might mean about how much we matter to them.

So rather than risk feeling rejected, we don’t ask at all.

At least that way we don’t have to find out.

Being helped can feel uncomfortable too

Even when someone says yes, it doesn’t always feel easy.

You might feel guilty.

Like you owe them something.

Perhaps you immediately start thinking about how you’ll repay the favour.

Or you feel you need to make the help as easy as possible for them, apologising along the way.

“Sorry, I know you’re busy.”

“Honestly, don’t worry if it’s too much trouble.”

“I wouldn’t normally ask.”

Sometimes we can turn receiving a little help into quite a lot of work for ourselves.

And yet, when somebody asks us for help, we don’t necessarily experience it that way.

We might be pleased they asked.

We might like being able to do something for them.

We probably don’t spend the next six months keeping a mental record of what they owe us.

So why do we assume other people will?

You don’t have to be at breaking point to need someone

I think sometimes we wait until things are really difficult before we feel justified in asking.

As though help is something reserved for emergencies.

If we can technically manage, then surely we should.

But being able to do something doesn’t mean you always have to do it alone.

You might be perfectly capable of sorting something out yourself.

You might have managed much harder things in the past.

You might even know exactly what needs doing.

And still want somebody alongside you.

Not because you can’t cope.

But because it’s nice not to have to cope with everything on your own.

What would it be like to let someone help?

Perhaps the starting point isn’t suddenly asking everyone for everything.

That might feel completely unnatural.

Maybe it’s noticing what happens when somebody offers.

Do you immediately say no, before you’ve even thought about whether you’d like the help?

Do you feel uncomfortable because you don’t want to owe them anything?

Do you worry they’ll think less of you?

Or does accepting help mean letting somebody see that you haven’t got everything sorted?

You don’t have to force yourself to do anything differently.

But it might be worth getting curious about why something that seems so ordinary when other people do it can feel so difficult when it’s you.

And perhaps, occasionally, when somebody asks, “Do you need a hand?”

You might try saying:

“Actually, yes. That would be lovely.”

Without apologising.

Without explaining why you need it.

And without immediately working out how to pay them back.

How counselling can help

If asking for help has always felt difficult, counselling can give you somewhere to explore that without being told you simply need to be more assertive or learn to delegate.

It might be about understanding why relying on other people feels uncomfortable, what you’ve come to expect from them, or what it means to you when you need something.

And sometimes, just having a space where you don’t have to be the capable one, the strong one or the person who has everything under control can feel quite different.

Because being able to manage on your own is one thing.

Feeling that you always have to is another.